Rewind..

Wow.. I havent written in this blog for a while. I guess it's cause I lost the password haha x)

Ever since the New Year, I've been mostly partying every weekend. At first, it was just for fun.. but now the fun.. is becoming drama. Not only am I damaging my body, but I ruin a perfectly good friendship with a guy I liked. I want to say sorry to him.. but after all the stuff I said.. I think the best thing to do is just not talk to him. I wish I could rewind things.. and not be hurt.

In the end, I ended up meeting a new fellow.. who I feel like I am leading on.. but at the same time, I don't know how to break it to him that I just want to be friends.

He made me realize that I am not looking for a relationship and that I am happy with my life. However, all this partying has also strain my relationship with my close friends & my family. I end up doing some really stupid things.. that I can't even believe I would do. As well, my marks have taking a tow as well..

I am honestly.. just really tired of school.. and stupid things.. that partying has become my medicine for being stress free. I'm not sure who I am anymore.. I'm not sure about anything anymore...

hard time.

Having a hard time moving on. What if the person you like starting to chill with a friend of yours you arent really fond of.. wouldn't you be jealous?

I honestly, dont want to know anymore. Today is one of the most crappiest days.

Flaws

We all have flaws, the only thing we can do is work on them and try to improve ourselves. Lately, I dont know what has been going on.. but there are so many things i will like to see changed about me. Hopefully I can implement them.

I just wanna escape from here for a while and discover myself more.. sounds pretty lame.. but, this is how i feel lately. I know for a fact in the next couple of months, I will for sure be not the same person who I am now.

Out of Comfort zone

It just hit me recently, that its time to start trying to leave my comfort zone & try new things. We only live once, its time to gather some confidence and just give things a try. Despite how much we care about what other people think, in the end its just you.

This weekend has been a eye opener. I will never forget what one of my friends said to me. " You aren't going to get it.." Funny how your friends discourage you from things. I realize maybe there are just somethings you should keep to yourself. I realize nothing is impossible & that its time to change my life. I realize I have to work on being a better person. I realize that I am capable of things that I never thought I would be. A classmate had said.. when he was young, his mother wont hold his hand. He always thought she never loved him, but when he grew up older, she told him" I only did those things, because in the end you cant rely on anyone else but yourself". I am beginning to see how it does apply to life.


I'm seeing my flaws again..

Time to Smarten Up!

Lately I've just been kidding with myself.

I realize it's time to go back to my norm.  

But sadly I find it so hard because I am constantly thinking..

I wish I could be him instead. 

I wish I didn't disappoint him.

I wish I could just move on.

I wish I didn't love him this much.. 

I wish I didn't miss him... 

I wish I could change for the best for him..

I wish what comes around, goes around .. 

decisiondecisiondecision

To leave a year earlier? or to wait another year?
Its amazing how many life decisions we must make..
nobody can control your life except yourself...

there are things you cant erase in life.